Soon, I was reading messages in license plates. Each combination of letters meant something different, sometimes I was in trouble or on the right track.. Then, the nightlight in our house meant something depending on the color flashing. Then, I started to get tingles in my arms – if left side, it meant one thing and if the right arm, it meant to do something else.

God

I thought God was preparing me and putting me on a mission. I had another baby, then we moved back near my hometown. Then it got even worse. I thought my ex-husband was molesting our daughter. I then thought my current boyfriend was as well and even took my daughter to the hospital and therapy and to get a rape-test. As things progressed, it got worse and worse…

Until early March 2021, I took pills and tried to kill myself. I was then told I had to go to a mental hospital. During the hospital stay, my roommate told me about her dad raping her and her sister. Another patient had cut his own neck to escape his gang killing him first… It was a nightmare. I left the hospital and the next week, my boyfriend had to go out of town for work. I broke it off with him – since for months already, I was convinced he was cheating on me with my sister and trying to kill me. I thought he was poisoning my water and cigarettes.

Being followed

I thought I was being followed all the time. Then, in early April 2021, I split apart. I thought he was sleeping with my step mom, I thought our neighbors and the local police were all in on a conspiracy. I thought I was about to be murdered. I rapidly took my 2-year-old daughter away, even without a carseat in fear of our life and started driving. While driving, I was convinced the people in each car were molesters or gang members and deserved to be dealt with. I yelled at them and screamed while driving, I would try to hit them with my car. I urinated on myself during this drive without realizing it. Finally, I ran a red light and hit another car forcefully.

Barely hurt

My daughter and I were lucky to be alive, much less, barely hurt. Then the ambulance arrived along with the police. I remember a police man telling me another officer wasn’t really a police man. I got scared. Then they started to arrest me. I got really scared and clung to his leg and begged him not to do it. Then two officers forcefully lifted me up only by the cuffs to where they dug hard into my wrists and I told them I would get in the police car now.

They took me to jail where I begged for a blood test to prove I was being poisoned. I told one officer the police weren’t real. They put me in a suit where I couldn’t hurt myself and I was practically naked in it. Then they led me way down to an isolated area and I thought they were going to kill me when they put me in the isolation cell.

Terrified of everything and everyone

There, I cried endlessly. Worried for my daughter and terrified of what was happening. I thought I had been in there for days and learned it had only been about a day at the time. I was so scared. Then, I thought I would get out but they said I had to stay because people had to come talk to me about CPS taking my kids away and MMR making sure I wasn’t a harm to myself or others… Eventually, my dad and brother picked me up. I thought I was going into the witness protection program. Later that day, I went to my aunt’s house. I still was terrified of everything and everyone…

Until one day, I told my doctor about all the signs I had been seeing and everything I had been thinking and feeling the past nearly five years. At that time, I was put on abilify in addition to effexor. After only a few days, the paranoia got better. My combative behavior and fears improved dramatically. By May 2017, I got a job… And I got access to my kids again.

There is always hope

Today, I have been at the same job since then and am now the Marketing Director. My husband and I are doing well. My kids are doing well. I haven’t been symptomatic once since I started Abilify.. The delusions, paranoia, anxiety, depression. It’s all much better. I now take 5 mg. Abilify daily, 225 mg. Of effexor daily, and 60 mg. Of adderall daily for ADHD. I sometimes use 10 mg. Of Zaleplon when I can’t sleep. I have had insomnia practically my whole life. I still haven’t received a definitive diagnosis. Schizophrenia and Psychotic Depression have all been mentioned… I believe I had Schizophrenia… In addition to my Panic and Anxiety Disorder, ADHD, Depression, and perhaps, even Bi-Polar disorder like my mom.

I didn’t think there was any hope. Now my life looks dramatically different. We went from no money, and dealing with major issues surrounding me and my health, to now making $250,000 a year together, living in a beautiful home, driving nice cars, with jobs and people and friends we love, and a deep shared love we have for each other., and three beautiful children who make my world go round. So… There is hope…I promise you. This is why I’m writing this. I want to share my story, help others through it, and tell you – there is a light on the other side. A beautiful one.

---

Ashton is a Wife, Mother of 3, and Survivor…She works as a marketing director

Read more about medication

• Tuesday talking point – Medication or tapering off medication?
• Should I start medication?
• Psychosisnet-launches-the-antipsychotic-selection-tool/