A little while ago, I was watching an American drama series, in which one of the characters was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and had a history of bulimia. As she was trying to navigate her pregnancy and eating disorders, she kept her ultrasound picture stuck to her fridge door, as it ‘reminded her she needed to eat’, so she told her partner.

I felt a pang of recognition, because I remembered what it was like being pregnant, and wanting to be healthy for my unborn child, but at the same time feeling terrified of putting on weight. Yet, in the almost nine years since falling pregnant, I had never heard anyone talk about it. So now I am sharing my story, in the hope of removing some of the stigma, and trying to break the taboo.

Pregnancy and eating disorders: Internal struggle

I completely understand why pregnant women who struggle with pregnancy and eating disorders are reluctant to share their predicament; they’re afraid of being judged. Because surely, what could be more important than being healthy for your unborn baby? It’s not a secret that pregnant women who drink alcohol are criticised, as well as women who smoke, or take recreational drugs, so it would only make sense that women who struggle to eat properly get criticised as well by the ‘pregnancy police’.

But pregnancy doesn’t cure alcoholism, drug addiction, anorexia, or any other addiction. Because unfortunately, having a reason to not be ill, doesn’t cure you from that illness. I mean, if you have a broken leg, wanting to run a marathon that you’ve been training for for weeks, doesn’t cure the fracture.

However, just like drinking, smoking, or taking drugs, not eating properly when expecting carries with it a lot of risks, including problems with baby’s development, body weight, and even premature birth. And it doesn’t just carry risks to the baby, but to the mother as well; poor nutrition in pregnancy can lead to cardiac irregularities, severe depression (during the pregnancy as well as post-partum), dehydration, and gestational diabetes. So when I found out I was pregnant, full well knowing it would be tricky, I vowed to myself I’d do anything to avoid those scenarios.

Don’t get me wrong

even though I was scared, I was over the moon when I discovered I was expecting. As a teenager, I started struggling with anorexia and bulimia around the age of fourteen, and when I was roughly seventeen years old, and at my absolute lowest (lowest referring to my weight and my mental state), I didn’t get my period for almost 18 months. I was told I might never be able to conceive later on in life. But like many others who struggle with mental illness, I didn’t care about the consequences. Due to my eating disorder and body dimorphic disorder, I just wanted to be thin. And because of the latter, thin was never thin enough.

Imagine someone with an alcohol addiction being told that alcohol will have a negative impact on their physical health. Chances are, they won’t care. In the depth of their addiction, they might already be thinking about their next drink. And that is not me passing judgement, because when a doctor told me about the effect my disordered eating could have on my body, at the time, I couldn’t care less. So I know what it’s like when an addiction causes this ‘tunnel vision’ in which nothing else seems to matter.

I didn’t even think about the possibility of children in the future, not knowing how much I was going to want to be a mother. But one day in my late twenties, I found myself filled with joy, and a little bit of incredulity, when I saw two blue lines appear on the little stick I had just weed on.

Pregnancy and eating disorders: info

I started to browse the internet to find information on pregnancy and eating disorders, and to my surprise, I found quite a lot of it. I already mentioned some of the risks I was facing, but I also found information on how to keep myself and the baby healthy. I read that some women use their pregnancy as an opportunity to stop drinking, or smoking. For me, it gave me the incentive to improve my eating habits.

I set some ground rules for myself. I had to eat the government’s recommended five portions of fruit or vegetables a day, enough fibre, calcium, and other nutritional values. I took pregnancy vitamins to make sure I got the recommended daily dose of all of them, and I had to consume enough calories. I decided to speak to my GP about it, who put me in touch with a counsellor, who supported me throughout my pregnancy. I also had regular scans to make sure my baby was growing.

The love I felt for the life that was growing inside me was so incredibly strong, I managed to do what was needed. I was lucky, because the continued support, medical care and guidance, made it significantly easier for me, and for that I am still grateful.

It wasn’t always plain sailing. As I said, I was over the moon and terrified at the same time. And during my pregnancy I experienced many more contradictory feelings. For example, I got rid of my scales when I found out I was pregnant, because I was worried weighing myself every day would cause stress, and have a negative impact on my and baby’s health. However, I still found myself going into the chemist in town every so often, to weigh myself on the scales they had in the shop, because I just had to know how much I weighed.

Not because I wanted to lose the weight, but not knowing my weight made me feel like I was losing control, and it terrified me. And as well as that, I loved the fact that my tummy and breasts started growing, because a growing tummy meant a growing baby, and growing breasts meant they were getting ready to feed that growing baby. But still, I worried people would be able to notice I got bigger, but not that I was pregnant, so I started dropping it into almost every conversation I had, just to make sure people didn’t think I was simply putting on weight ‘without a legitimate reason’.

Hereditary

And I felt scared about the way I would look once the baby had been born. I also knew that eating disorders could be hereditary, and girls have a higher chance of suffering from disordered eating, so I was secretly hoping I was having a boy. Not because I wouldn’t have loved a baby girl, but because I knew just how much I would love her, and I didn’t want her to suffer like I had, and probably always will. It may sound strange to you, but a mental illness does certain things to you. Things you might not be able to imagine if you’ve never experienced it yourself.

But the pros outweighed the cons for me, and I stuck to my healthy diet, and though I suffered terrible heartburn and the usual hormonal imbalances, I actually started to feel very good physically. I felt stronger, more positive, and very excited. I managed to keep myself and my unborn baby healthy throughout my pregnancy, and eight months after finding out I was pregnant, I gave birth to a beautiful, small, but healthy baby boy.

As I said earlier, some women stop smoking, drinking, or taking recreational drugs when they find out about their pregnancy. I decided to start eating properly throughout it. It sounds so simple, but for me, and many other women who struggle with an eating disorders or addiction, it really isn’t. It kills me that so many women are struggling, because they’re thinking they are all alone in this. Due to the fear of being criticised, it is incredibly difficult to ask for help.

But the way I look at it now is this: isn’t it better to admit you have a problem, and try to receive the necessary help, than suffer in silence and face this inner fight all by yourself? Because all those demons, compulsive thoughts, and fears, against just one person, is not a fair fight. Try talking to a partner, friend, or family member.

Opening up to someone who’s close to you may give you the courage to talk to a healthcare provider, who might be able to refer you to a councillor or support network, as well as keep an eye on your physical health. A problem shared sometimes really is a problem halved. As I’ve said before in my previous articles, you are not alone.

In England, you can reach out for support with mental health issues by texting SHOUT to 85258, or call the number for Beat Eating Disorders, which is 0808 801 0677 (ending in 0432 for Scotland, 0433 for Wales, and 0434 for Northern Ireland). Similar support is available in other countries.