Being bipolar, I know what bouts of depression feel like. Some of them lasted a few months, others a year. As a child, I was already either really elated, or saddened to death. It was always going to stay that way. Until I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and I started taking medication. Since then, a chemical armour kept me under control. I was happy to let that happen. I did lose a number of people because at times I behaved irrationally, but the darkness in my soul was gone.

Since then, I am trying to be a pure spirit in a polluted world

Very ambitious, I admit. But then there are quite a few things I need to make up for. A failed marriage, a career as a journalist cut short. I underwent six amputations because of arteriosclerosis, which left me wheelchair-bound. I shouldn’t have smoked so many cigarettes and joints.

The mystic Saint John of The Cross saw the dark night of the soul as a purifying experience

From the category of ‘no redemption without crucifixion.’ Nowadays, Aquarius – types prefer to call it the Kundalini Awakening. That’s fine by me, the principle is the same. Please don’t draw any conclusions from the ‘awakening’ part. These days, I mainly trust my common sense. This new-age nonsense is not for me.

I was raised a catholic and above all, it taught me that all religion is superstition

Because to me, it’s rationality, facts, and proven science that counts. And this is exactly the problem with mental health care diagnoses. They are mostly based on assumptions and guesswork. People may show symptoms of psychosis, of course. It’s just that other cultures, that of the shamans for example, may have a different view on it. What is viewed as a dangerous illness here, could somewhere else in the world be seen as a way of making contact with ones ancestors.

In a darker past I often suffered from sub-threshold psychotic experiences

Once, I had an out-of-body experience and travelled through the cosmos, even through black holes. I met the Christian god, as well as Buddha and Allah. It was such a cinematic realistic experience, I could hardly imagine that I was hallucinating. Now I think I was merely ill in my thought process. This also applies to the voices I heard for years. They would either praise me sky high, or drive me to my death. In hindsight, the weed I was smoking was far too strong, and that was what triggered the voices.

These days, I only smoke weak ganja, if any

I stopped drinking alcohol altogether, though I would never call myself a former addict. I would call myself an ever-recovering addict. I learned how to escape into beauty. I try to write poetry sometimes, and I am the European ‘falling in love platonically’ champion. Because of my wheelchair my activities are limited. I haven’t been on holiday for twelve years. Now, my roof terrace is my beach and my safari. The clouds above me are different every day. And at night, the free of charge starry sky is my hallucination.

I have been studying the Taoistic philosophers Loa Tza and Zuagh Zi for decades

They taught me how to look at life and myself with humour, anarchy, and relativity. We all walk the path of life, destination unknown. Death is the only certainty in our existence, and I accepted that as well. Because I reckon going to the eternal hunting grounds will be nice and quiet: never having to make stupid phone calls again, let alone receiving WhatsApp messages. ‘Long Live the Death!’, Gerard Reve (famous Dutch author) once wrote.

But for the time being, I’ll celebrate life

The sunshine in my soul isn’t over yet. The crises of my spiritual identity are behind me. I have accepted the relative nullity of my existence, but I can also see the miracle of it. We are all just pieces of stardust with souls. In my case a bit chopped up by the vascular surgeon, but still.

My Christian name is Petrus. That means ‘Rock’

I automatically became one. Cleansed by all waters of life I’m holding up in the surf of my era. Alone, but not lonely.

A sober, solitary existence is what I thrive on. My one-person domestic order, without television, without stereo system, leaves no room for drama or commotion. I can recommend this lifestyle to everybody, although you have to be resistant to seclusion and silence. My depressions are in the past. I no longer hear the voices. My soul has been cleansed. The rest of my life can commence, the night has passed.

Image: Wikipedia

Translated from Dutch by SGM Taplin