In the world of psychology and psychiatry you hear a lot of theories and paradigms. But if there’s one thing we can be sure about, one conclusion that clearly follows a lot of scientific research, it’s this: if you’re suffering psychologically, the thing that is most likely to be able to help you, is connecting with another person.

The key to change

Yes, it’s true. Not the latest medication, not the most complicated psychotherapy, but simply the presence of another person that really connects with you. And that is fascinating, because it raises the question: how can another person make such a difference in something that seems so intangible?

Psychiatry: pre-science or not?

Psychology and psychiatry are often the topic of discussion. Are they a real science? According to the famous philosopher of science Thomas Kuhn, these disciplines are still in the pre-scientific phase. Because let’s be honest: we don’t really understand conscience, let alone the nature of psychological suffering. But what we do know – thanks to many randomised controlled trials – is that psychological suffering can change. And the key to that change? Another human being.

Relationship: how does that work?

Another person can make contact with the person who’s suffering. And that contact is a powerful instrument. Why? Because the care provider can take some of that suffering upon them. Through something we call ‘presence’, the other person can offer the space to share the suffering, find the words for, and get a grip on what feels overwhelming.

Because that is often the problem with psychological suffering: it’s powerful, it’s big, and it’s all-consuming. It pushes you into a corner in which you feel like you haven’t got any control over things any more. But as soon as you find the words to describe your fear, voices, death wish, or desires, with the help from someone else, you will relate to them differently. And with this new language, some room is created. Room to get a handle on things, and room for change.

Future and perspective

The worst thing about psychological suffering? The fact that the future seems to disappear. Desperation has you in its grip. But the calming presence of another person can bring back a little piece of that future. A tiny spark of perspective. Because if someone hasn’t given up on you – like you’ve given up on yourself – a change is possible.

The other person can invite you to talk. To tell your story. To discover where the problem lies, where it hurts, and what you can do differently. And with this, a small but important start of your recovery is created.

Working towards change

Psychological suffering almost always requires change. You need to do something differently. And that’s exactly where the other person is essential. You can work out together what is needed. Maybe you need to look at yourself differently. Or incorporate a trauma into your life story (also called trauma interpretation). Maybe you need to work on your relationships, your lifestyle (which often plays a big part in your mental health), or the way in which you give meaning and purpose to your life.

Whatever it is: you need another person to find new paths. Someone who will stand by you, who gives you room to struggle but also helps you to take the necessary steps, however small these may be.

It’s all about the relationship

The essence of this message: it’s all about the relationship. Psychological suffering isolated, It separates you from others, from your future, and often even from yourself. But recovery starts with connection. It’s another human being that can help you to take the first step, to get a handle on things, to feel alive again.

So next time you ask yourself what really works in psychiatry, remember these words: It’s the relationship, stupid.

Translated from Dutch by SGM Taplin