“You look so much like your dad!” I have been told this so many times. This exclamation was mostly based on external behaviour. I am in my 80s and my father passed away several decades ago. In 1948 my father was the President of the Dutch General Union of carrier pigeon keepers. In a booklet that was made in honour of an annual party, he was highly praised.

My dad and his cravings

He is “An extraordinary and versatile force that tirelessly and enthusiastically inspires his fellow board members to make the most of themselves.” It carries on like this for a bit, and the article ends with: “May he continue to be our friendly, jovial, and ambitious chairman for many more years!”

And as a child, a teenager, and an adult, that is how I experienced my father too, and, especially when I was a child, I wanted to be just like him. But where there’s lots of light, there is also lots of shadow. My dad was vain, always wanted to be the centre of attention, wanted to be applauded. As the manager of a furniture shop, he constantly wanted to earn a large profit and was running his business day and night.  In the face of adversity, I saw him become quiet and withdrawn.

Alcohol played a big part in all of this

The euphoria was made better, the sombre moods were made worse. That’s how cravings work after all.

I did not want to see or hear the countless arguments, and tears of my mother. My father and I once talked about our concurrent scenarios and looked for explanations that could somehow justify our behaviour. My dad’s motto was: “Carpe diem!”, seize the day, enjoy life. And I quite liked Dionysus, the god of wine, spirit, and exuberance. Idolising celebrities like Dylan Thomas, and later, Chet Baker, who destroyed themselves with drink and drugs. I got lost in Erich Maria Remarque’s autobiographies, in which a lot of alcohol was consumed.

Birthdays

Our birthdays are on the 5^th and 6^th of October, Libra’s, so we were of the opinion that Himmelhoch jauchzend or Zum Tode Betrubt (German idioms loosely translated as being “torn between ecstasy and agony”) were part of our life of cravings and we would just have to learn how to handle these extremes.  We literally lost sight of each other. I’ve been avoiding asking myself ‘in what way do I look like my dad, and in what way do I not?’ Only after a course in ‘writing about your dad’ I have, often with pain in my heart, created an image of him and been able to differentiate. The unquenchable character traits that I think I inherited from him have appeared to be a blessing and a burden.

Cravings, the blessing stands for the buzz

The being fully immersed, and the losing myself in something or in others. The burden stands for shame, guilt, the pain that it caused, and for self-destructive behaviour.

I’m mainly talking about alcohol cravings and (hence) addiction. For a long time I insisted that one day, I’d be able to have control over my cravings and the alchohol. But every time I got back on my feet, another fall was inevitable and one day it became clear to me that I could not deal with this addiction. I haven’t drunk any alcohol for over five years. I’ve been relieved of the burden, and the blessing has now taken on a different interpretation.

An example

An example: in September 2016 I took part in a social run with the team Hart voor GGZ (meaning Heart for GGZ; GGZ is the body that represents mental healthcare providers in the Netherlands. I like running and I’m successful in the over 75 category. At a social run, taking part is winning and it is all about achieving our objective: United we stand tall against stigma. The togetherness, solidarity, and the atmosphere during the entire weekend created a sensation that could not have been achieved by any means.

And finally, I recently read a book called: ‘Growing older happily.’

The last phase of everyone’s life is to sink into their own thoughts

Key concepts like letting go and acceptance are central in this phase. Reading it inspired me to write the following poem:

Autumn

It’s autumn, in my life too

I’ve freed myself from a lot I had to do

After sowing, growing and reaping

I now want rest and time for sleeping

 

The harvest is plentiful, it’s so fulfilling

And to share it with others, I am willing 

It’s autumn, in my life too

And I am grateful through and through

 

Note from translator

According to NHS figures, over seven and a half million people in the UK show signs of cravings and alcohol dependence. If you are struggling with cravings and controlling your alcohol intake, and suspect you may be alcohol dependent, please don’t suffer in silence. Try talking to someone about it and getting help. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a medical professional. It could be a friend, family member, or someone at a local Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, Please know that you are not alone.

S. Taplin

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Walter van Gelderen kicked the habit succesfully. Nowadays he is committed to helping others.

More about recovery

• The recovery story of Margré Knip 
• The recovery story of Katrien Michiels 
• The recovery story of Lenneke Elfers